Sunday, October 11, 2009

Sun-dried vomit. . .

Feet pounding on the pavement-- yeah. A sound I've always relished, the way sneakers smack the pavement and coincide with the thrumming of my heart. Running.

I've always thought of running like a release, and yet I hold it against others. People who run away. I never looked at it. . . from my side. . . how far I run away just to keep a step ahead of all of these horrible, disheartening thoughts.

How far will I get before I realize that I've got nowhere to go, just like all these other losers?

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Another Passing Thought

[That stuck its claws into my heart.]

I don't want to take a tumble backwards. I don't want to loose sight of what this feels like, drowned in the misery others took upon themselves. . . or did they? No, no. That's not even my place to decide, is it? No, it isn't. Head above water, Skain. Push your heart down past your knees. . .

Saturday, September 12, 2009

I m a g i n e I t

No, no. I don't want to. I don't choose to see these things.

touchtouchtouch

I'm too intimate.
This I have decided.

Anyway, being with Dillan is like. . . well, not like a light in the dark, but. . .
"Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."

It's confusing. When I'm around him, it's like my heart is on morphine and my nerves are on ecstasy. I question everything I do but I don't regret. His hands on me is like my skin being touched by a live wire. I want him to have my everything, it scares me to death. I want to be his everything.

And these feelings occurred so very quickly, my heart leaped right into traffic-- where all my life, it has always stayed on the sidewalk before venturing off. The physical has always been so easy, so natural. My body has never meant anything to me, only a tool that I can use to demonstrate what I'm feeling. What I prize is inside; a string of broken threads, tangles of skein, things that I don't easily let out of my sight for fear that. . . someone will finally rip them right from my chest. This, though? I want him to run his fingers along the frays. . . maybe tie them onto his own. . .

It's not about what I want though :) Ah. I feel so happy. I just hope I make the right choices. I don't want to loose someone over my inability to express my happiness in a way that. . . pleases them. . .

Sunday, September 6, 2009

sh/ot in the dark (who needs closure that isn't there?)

Dear PostSecret,

I still check sometimes to see if she cared enough to acknowledge what I said.
. . .

This is the kinda joint you gotta dedicate to somebody

(You can have my heart, or we could share it like. . .)

Pleasant surprise that I didn't have to work until four today [I totally thought I went in at three]. Even though the minutes and seconds are grain by grain steady, I'm not dreading it. Normally when I can't get my make-up right, I never look forward to the rest of the day. . . not today!

New work stipulations that make me want to scream :)

B R E A T H E
Yeah, that's what I was going to get right under my thumb, left hand. I'm not so sure any more. We're in a real bind money wise, and there are lots of other useful things I could use besides a tattoo. Like a new phone. Or a health day. l :o l Oh well. I'd hate to cancel on Michelle, but I gotta do what I gotta do. Maybe I'll get it with her in October anyway.

Brian is such a guy. Ha ha ha. Although, if I were a better girl, I wouldn't need him at all. . .

I don't want to see somebody hurts like that. I've been the cause and I've been the victim. No happy endings for that.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

A lovelovelover

Repeat after me: Do not lead anyone else on if you're not going to go through with it.

Gotcha. Oh man, I just don't know.
Well, I do know I'm not attracted to him. But things change, right? In time, all things are subject to the ultimate change. . . if you want it badly enough. . .

Pfft, I just want close proximity. I want the warm rush, the butterflies, the smiles and laughs that come only from late night talk that lasts until morning. I could have it if I would just fight for it.

But see, nobody really looks at these sort of things the way I do, makes it real difficult, real confusing, step lightly so as to not stab any toes. Hm. . .

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

I didn't feel good yesterday, and I most definitely do not feel good today xP Oh goodness. I hope that by resting up today, I won't get so sick that I have to go to the doctor. Hopefully. I don't want to miss all of this school like I had to do last year.

Still not sure about the whole dating thing. Spent most of last night talking to Melissa, trying to help her. When you see some of your hurt inside of someone else, bleeding out and pleading softly, it's so hard to ignore. You can't help someone like that though, no words you say can break years of built up self neglect and self imposed guilt, not that I didn't try. She'll beat it.

Gaaaah, so boring here at the house. I would've much rather vomited at school that stay here and drive myself crazy. Not like I never embarrass myself there anyway XD

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

There's never a right

I'm such a loser. I asked to date Cash when I want to date Dillan, just because I knew Cash liked me and I wanted someone. . . close. But turns out, Cash needs a lot of time to think about it XD Now I just feel like an ugly loser.

. . .Dillan and I. . . there is just something different there. He's Rebecca's though, so what do I do? Try to break her heart by taking his? That's never been the kind of person I am or ever want to be. Even though she constantly breaks his trust, while my guilt piles up when I don't tell him. He was so hurt last time! . . .There is never a 'right' in love. . . never, I say never.

And it's not really right that I want to date Cash as a filler, but I have to move on romantically at some point! A first step is better than a step backwards.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Pretty and Functional

I called myself pretty today, caught it when I said it, and swallowed it. Progress.
Happened when I was changing the tire on my car, Mr. Hebert's expense of free teaching.
☺☺☺

"Bigotry drives the cross
Like time drives the clock
Most curious loss, a lonely sound
Tick, tock, tick, tock" -Skain

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Would you like an Altoid?

Today they kept laughing at me, and I'd catch the tail end of the conversations.
Most certainly, Klondike bar. "What on earth?" I reasoned that maybe it was a fat joke, but it didn't make sense that they would find it so funny isle after isle. . . and now. . . and now I think. . .

Maybe he was hitting on me. Duh.

Oh well, they're all so nice I wouldn't even care if they did make credulous jokes about me to my face. I wouldn't think they'd mean it, we're like, HA, family. And if he was hitting on me? Who cares? I don't. They should think I'm stupid for not catching on, I mean, seriously. [/eyeroll]
--------
I met a personal sort of achievement, no not really. Personal recognition. Spoke with her flesh and blood, didn't feel my heart pounding or my head spinning, no pang of guilt in the bars of my chest.
Although I will admit, it's mostly the scent of her that drives me crazy, but I don't think it matters much anymore. Those lovely feelings no longer create sad things in me, just. . . lovely feelings. And empty feelings. Lovely, empty feelings.
. . .Gah, I should be proud that I've come so far. I just can't help but want the same for. . .
NO! No. Not going there. I can't wish for it without owning guilt, so I will bury those wishes and hope for the best.

:) Goodnight! Empty is good. Empty is strong.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

She cried like she loved

Meesha and I spent a good bit of the day together, walked, jogged, bleachers, hit the town. It was really great. Something in her stirred, she spoke a lot about how she felt and her uncertainties. Shared and whispered. Her heart is hurting.

Anyway, I listened, and pilfered her french fries. We laughed about how ridiculous FOX news is, talked crap about how big our tummies have gotten, reminisced about our childhoods and what about it was tainted. She spoke of the last time she felt happy, and how it hasn't been for a long time. About a year, maybe, maybe more.

I told her she didn't have to settle for unhappiness.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

You wanna be on top?

Tonight was epically long (because every broken heart deserves an epic ending).
Dillan seemed a little hostile, while Meagan seemed strangely more personable towards me.
My mom got the job, I'm so happy for her, for us. . . because that means, selfishly, less stress on me to be a factual provider for us (falling apart, barely breathing).
Things are looking up, essentially. I didn't pull in enough money to keep us above water, and now we should be able to float.

Nah, can't say I want to dream tonight. That's always been the way it has gone though.

Your hips swing, before you realize you are living the words. . .

(Songs stuck in my head)
-----------------------------
UN\WELL
All day staring at the ceiling
Making friends with shadows on my wall
All night hearing voices telling me
That I should get some sleep
Because tomorrow might be good for something

Hold on
Feeling like I'm headed for a breakdown
And I don't know why

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be...me

I'm talking to myself in public
Dodging glances on the train
And I know, I know they've all been talking about me
I can hear them whisper
And it makes me think there must be something wrong with me
Out of all the hours thinking
Somehow I've lost my mind

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

I've been talking in my sleep
Pretty soon they'll come to get me
Yeah, they're taking me away

[Chorus]

But I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell
I know right now you can't tell
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see
A different side of me
I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired
I know right now you don't care
But soon enough you're gonna think of me
And how I used to be

Yeah, how I used to be
How I used to be
Well, I'm just a little unwell
How I used to be
How I used to be
I'm just a little unwell


LVEFOOL
Dear, I fear we're facing a problem
you love me no longer, I know
and maybe there is nothing
that I can do to make you do
Mama tells me I shouldn't bother
that I ought just stick to another man
a man that surely deserves me
but I think you do!

So I cry, and I pray and I beg

Love me love me
say that you love me
fool me fool me
go on and fool me
love me love me
pretend that you love me
lead me lead me
just say that you need me

So I cried, and I begged for you to
Love me love me
say that you love me
lead me lead me
just say that you need me
I can't care about anything but you

Lately I have desperately pondered,
spent my nights awake and I wonder
what I could have done in another way
to make you stay
Reason will not lead to solution
I will end up lost in confusion
I don't care if you really care
as long as you don't go

So I cry, I pray and I beg

Love me love me
say that you love me
fool me fool me
go on and fool me
love me love me
pretend that you love me
lead me lead me
just say that you need me

So I cried, and I begged for you to
Love me love me
say that you love me
lead me lead me
just say that you need me
I can't care about anything but you

(anything but you)

Love me love me
say that you love me
fool me fool me
go on and fool me
Love me love me
I know that you need me
I can't care about anything but you

--------
And as always, Superman. I love that song. I'll post the lyrics eventually. Winter, Joshua Radin, as well. Lovely.

Superman

(You've won the race, but lost your mind. Was it worth it, after all?)
----------

I like making those blocks of gif. icons. I think I've become a little savvy at it, since it isn't the hardest thing to do in the whole wide world. You just have to have a vision when you start, which is like every project someone begins.

I was going to put a Winston Churchill quote up here, but I can't remember exactly how it goes and I've never been a fan of paraphrasing people. . .

I don't know what I would do without a project playlist. Probably do like everybody else and steal my music off of Limewire.

Anyone notice that you can't be vague anymore without having ulterior motives drug along with the notion?
. . .
I wanna see frickin' Ponyo. Ugh.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Ai'shiteru

I bank on the fact that no one will read this, and I can act on all of my inner thoughts according to however I justly feel about them :3 It's always nice to be able to rant to yourself. Seeing it all strewn on a computer screen, yeah. You can easily sort through the junk in your head.

Fear based tactics are incredibly effective, it seems. You know who you are. . . it's so disheartening to see good people, who believe themselves to be good-willed Americans, fall so hard, so far, so easily when they could have just changed the channel.

On a side note, I love the different ways to say "I love you". It's a universal language.

The Prettiest Actress

Hides the ugliest face ;D
----------
•C•A•T•W•A•L•K•

A fashion of broken bones and jewelry
(She’s shameless, they hiss that girl is)
Diamond eyes that roll like marbles
(They hiss that girl is, she’s dangerous)
One heel through your palm
(Dangerous, that girl is dubious!)
And a set of candy lips on your heart
(A hell-bound spell kissed with lust)

The boys snap their necks on the catwalk
Nine lives granted to each one that dies
They say these girls are the devil’s advocate
Each one with a rosary clicking her thighs
A sound only the saints can hear
(And a sight only the god-damned angels choose to see)