Sun-dried vomit. . .

Feet pounding on the pavement-- yeah. A sound I've always relished, the way sneakers smack the pavement and coincide with the thrumming of my heart. Running.

I've always thought of running like a release, and yet I hold it against others. People who run away. I never looked at it. . . from my side. . . how far I run away just to keep a step ahead of all of these horrible, disheartening thoughts.

How far will I get before I realize that I've got nowhere to go, just like all these other losers?

Another Passing Thought

[That stuck its claws into my heart.]

I don't want to take a tumble backwards. I don't want to loose sight of what this feels like, drowned in the misery others took upon themselves. . . or did they? No, no. That's not even my place to decide, is it? No, it isn't. Head above water, Skain. Push your heart down past your knees. . .

I m a g i n e I t

No, no. I don't want to. I don't choose to see these things.

touchtouchtouch

I'm too intimate.
This I have decided.

Anyway, being with Dillan is like. . . well, not like a light in the dark, but. . .
"Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."

It's confusing. When I'm around him, it's like my heart is on morphine and my nerves are on ecstasy. I question everything I do but I don't regret. His hands on me is like my skin being touched by a live wire. I want him to have my everything, it scares me to death. I want to be his everything.

And these feelings occurred so very quickly, my heart leaped right into traffic-- where all my life, it has always stayed on the sidewalk before venturing off. The physical has always been so easy, so natural. My body has never meant anything to me, only a tool that I can use to demonstrate what I'm feeling. What I prize is inside; a string of broken threads, tangles of skein, things that I don't easily let out of my sight for fear that. . . someone will finally rip them right from my chest. This, though? I want him to run his fingers along the frays. . . maybe tie them onto his own. . .

It's not about what I want though :) Ah. I feel so happy. I just hope I make the right choices. I don't want to loose someone over my inability to express my happiness in a way that. . . pleases them. . .

sh/ot in the dark (who needs closure that isn't there?)

Dear PostSecret,

I still check sometimes to see if she cared enough to acknowledge what I said.
. . .

This is the kinda joint you gotta dedicate to somebody

(You can have my heart, or we could share it like. . .)

Pleasant surprise that I didn't have to work until four today [I totally thought I went in at three]. Even though the minutes and seconds are grain by grain steady, I'm not dreading it. Normally when I can't get my make-up right, I never look forward to the rest of the day. . . not today!

New work stipulations that make me want to scream :)

B R E A T H E
Yeah, that's what I was going to get right under my thumb, left hand. I'm not so sure any more. We're in a real bind money wise, and there are lots of other useful things I could use besides a tattoo. Like a new phone. Or a health day. l :o l Oh well. I'd hate to cancel on Michelle, but I gotta do what I gotta do. Maybe I'll get it with her in October anyway.

Brian is such a guy. Ha ha ha. Although, if I were a better girl, I wouldn't need him at all. . .

I don't want to see somebody hurts like that. I've been the cause and I've been the victim. No happy endings for that.

A lovelovelover

Repeat after me: Do not lead anyone else on if you're not going to go through with it.

Gotcha. Oh man, I just don't know.
Well, I do know I'm not attracted to him. But things change, right? In time, all things are subject to the ultimate change. . . if you want it badly enough. . .

Pfft, I just want close proximity. I want the warm rush, the butterflies, the smiles and laughs that come only from late night talk that lasts until morning. I could have it if I would just fight for it.

But see, nobody really looks at these sort of things the way I do, makes it real difficult, real confusing, step lightly so as to not stab any toes. Hm. . .